When I'm alone for a while, I sometimes feel like I could just go to the employment office, sell some of my lifetime so that I could maybe buy clothes, of which I own very few, or buy something that I might have a slim chance of enjoying, but then when I talk to my mother (like one sentence about the most meaningless stuff), or go outside and am around people I don't care about and who don't care about me, there is an inexplicable pain and I just want to 'not live' as much as possible.
It has probably something to do with having learned as a child that showing initiative will lead to being hurt, and with having a notion of "It's not OK to be me, I'm guilty" ingrained somewhere in my psyche (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development).
I get laughed at occasionally when I'm outside. (It's probably because of the dead expression in my eyes, which marks me as a 'loser', as well as superficial signs of status, like clothing.) It's not like it hits me emotionally, but the world just feels hostile. How could it not for someone who has no one to trust in and who can't trust anyone?
So, if I did stuff, life wouldn't be so meaningless, but since life is so meaningless, how could I be motivated to go outside and suffer more than necessary?