I’m writing this more in interest for others to share their experiences than to share my own.Typical of the trope of being different, as a child, I very much felt different from my peers and sometimes ostracized by them. It never really bothered me thoug

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Anonymous 11/08/14 (Sat) 18:55:37 5898c1 No.32

I’m writing this more in interest for others to share their experiences than to share my own.
Typical of the trope of being different, as a child, I very much felt different from my peers and sometimes ostracized by them. It never really bothered me though, and as I grew older, I got very good at ignoring those types of people (to such an extent I would not focus my eyes on them). While I did have acquaintances during school, I felt that the only reason I had them was my desire to not break habit; by sitting next to them every day, it made us acquaintances by proxy. I would eventual make actual friends that I would talk to outside of necessity, but recently, I’ve noticed my self drifting away from society.
I’ve always been secretive about my life; I try to hide everything that is not necessary to living from everyone. This means all forms of entertainment, branded merchandise, and interests were kept hidden from the world around me, and I still try to keep them hidden today. This lack of trust extends to everyone (including all my relatives) except maybe my closest friends; even then, I noticed my “personality” differs from relationship to relationship as if it’s a way to please the other person rather than myself. Even here, on 8chan, I find myself not posting because of how secretive I am.
My sexuality still confuses me today, and having a strong exclusive sexual fetish doesn’t help. While my family doesn’t really push me all that much, I still feel a pressure from them to get into a heterosexual relationship. My grandmother has even explicitly asked me if the “sissy boys” have gotten to my mind (she is a very nice hardcore Christian). There’s probably a pressure I constructed for myself seeing as I’m the last male in the family to share my last name besides my father. From the outside, I seem asexual and my actions seem to reflect that, but reading the Wikipedia article, the having a relationship with my inner self fits me very well.
The way I think and interact with other people, makes me come off as “stupid” or “uniformed” (the words of others), but when I talk to people and have a intellectual conversation with them, nine times out of ten they go out of their way to acted surprised and tell me I’m “really smart.” Despite this, I still feel very slow, and things that takes a normal person five seconds to do take me about twenty. The only explanation I can think of that could cause this gap in cognitive time, is the way that I have debates with myself when thinking about anything. Even for things that have a concrete right answer, like arithmetic, I still approach the problem from several viewpoints. While this mindset has its downside in that it slows down problem solving, it has allowed me access to a form of self-therapy. I can talk to myself for hours and not feel like I’m wasting anytime; it is like talking to a person who shares my same interests. I have even gone through this post in its entirety, not word for word by sharing the same points, several hours before posting.
I have never sought after a diagnosis for fear of losing my rights as an individual; when I was younger, my parents even explicitly asked if I wanted to see a therapist, I appeared depressed to them, but I would always refuse. I am also hesitant to self-diagnosis because I would feel disingenuous and attention craving, but before I discovered schizoid personality disorder, I felt I had autistic and psychopathic tendencies.
Most of my life, I have not shown any emotion what so ever, but recently, I have gotten better at faking it to prevent people from inquiring about me. I have also started to outwardly express my personality in private; I would say things to myself If no one is around to hear it. I also notice I make noises as a way to explore my vocal cords as I rarely use them; this sentence makes me sound insane. Touching on the interactions between my friends and I again, I think it’s a way for me to help other people. I usually don’t talk with another person unless I have to, and I’ve noticed I don’t start using “personal” language and mannerisms until I have talked to them for quite a while. I wander if it’s just me learning what the other person finds enjoyable and mirroring there personality back to them. I think this way because of the discrepancies from person to person in my personality and that my true personality seems to be very utilitarian and emotionally dry.
I feel like I’ve written to much here so I’m forcing myself to stop. (pic unrelated)

!CiVkThRKGQ 11/09/14 (Sun) 03:02:33 d10ced No.35

>>32
>The way I think and interact with other people, makes me come off as “stupid” or “uniformed” (the words of others), but when I talk to people and have a intellectual conversation with them, nine times out of ten they go out of their way to acted surprised and tell me I’m “really smart.”

One of the features of this personality is alternations between eloquence and inarticulateness.

>While this mindset has its downside in that it slows down problem solving,

I have experienced this, but it's never constant. There are fluctuations in how severely I am affected by this. I'm not sure how to lessen it, but I think caffeine may help. I started drinking coffee for select situations, and it seems to help.

>I can talk to myself for hours

Do you actually talk out loud to yourself? Something I never thought to share with anyone is how I do this on occasion. I used to do this more often as a kid when I was less self-conscious of how it might make me appear crazy. I never thought I was having a conversation with anyone. It felt more like thinking aloud, but while at the same time, it felt like I was serving a need to socialize in some way.

Post last edited at 11/09/14 (Sun) 03:03:20

Anonymous 11/09/14 (Sun) 03:55:53 5898c1 No.37

>>35
> I have experienced this, but it's never constant. There are fluctuations in how severely I am affected by this.

It has always been consistent with me, and the only way I can really get my thoughts to go faster is if I spend time forcing myself to speed-read in the way you don’t think of the word in a phonemic way but as an abstract thought, but I always drift back into the “slow” way of thinking afterwards. Memorizing also gives the illusion of quick thoughts but I really hate memorizing things, so I only do it for stuff I use a lot.

> I'm not sure how to lessen it, but I think caffeine may help. I started drinking coffee for select situations, and it seems to help.

I never really been effected by caffeine all that much; when I was younger, my parents would warn me about drinking it before bed, but it never stopped me from sleeping or staying still. I also really dislike the flavor of coffee, so even if it did help, I would most likely not use it.

> Do you actually talk out loud to yourself? Something I never thought to share with anyone is how I do this on occasion. I used to do this more often as a kid when I was less self-conscious of how it might make me appear crazy.

Not publicly (at least I try not to), but sometimes when I’m thinking about something that requires a lot of brain power, I’ll start to speak without realizing it. To draw a parallel to what normal people do, It is kind of like the way people will right something down on paper to focus on something else.

> I never thought I was having a conversation with anyone. It felt more like thinking aloud, but while at the same time, it felt like I was serving a need to socialize in some way.

Maybe talking implies a more back and forth type of chatter; Soliloquy is probably the closest fit to how I would normally vocalize (not externally) my thoughts. Although, as a form of entertainment, I can synthesize anyone’s voice in my mind and make them say silly things, and I would be lying if I said I haven’t used this ability to have conversations with people.

Anonymous 06/25/15 (Thu) 16:10:27 cb9229 No.146

In high school I was fortunate too come across a table that mirrored my personality. People would have thought we were the edgy table if they ever heard us. We spoke freely whatever we wanted to say no matter how offensive it was. For the whole three years I was there we our table composition never changed. And if by some weird circumstance another outside person was forced to sit with us it was dead silent. One of my friends (who I suspect may have also been a schizoid) called us all his acquaintances. I preferred to think of him as a friend; they were all cool but mostly because I found them interesting. Sometimes I would try to predict what they would say. We never really went over to houses or anything most of our contact came from the table. Still I am glad that I had that table lest I be that one stand offish kid who never really talked.