JEW JEW ABRAMS DOES IT AGAIN!
IT ALL STARTS ON NOT TATOOINE, WHERE A RAG TAG GROUP OF REBELS AND NOT BEN KENOBI HOLD OFF THE NOT IMPERIAL REMNANT LED BY BITCH BOY DARTH DADDY ISSUES (AKA NOT VADER CAEDUS DRESSED AS NOT REVAN) AND HIS SATURDAY MORNING NAZI MILITARY WHO THREATEN THE GALAXY WITH A NOT DEATH STAR THAT FIRES HOMING NUKES AND LOOKS LIKE UNICRON. 30 YEARS LATER THE REBELS ARE STILL A TINY MILITIA EXCEPT NOW THEY'RE BASED ON NOT KUAT AND LED BY AN INCOMPETENT FAILURE OF A POLITICIAN. THE TWO BIGGEST MILITARY FACTIONS IN THE GALAXY ARE COMPRISED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF STARFIGHTERS (BECAUSE FUCK BOMBERS, INTERCEPTORS AND CAPITAL SHIPS, RIGHT?) ENJOY A PLETHORA OF CAMEOS, REFERENCES, AND TROPES THROWN RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, TOPPED OFF WITH CRINGIER DIALOGUE THAN GEORGE LUCAS COULD EVEN DREAM OF, AND ABSOLUTELY NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. ENJOY ALL THOSE CLASSIC SOUNDS LIKE THE LIGHTSABER AND MILLENNIUM FALCON QUADLASER TURRET BEING REPLACED AND EVERYTHING BEING BASS BOOSTED TO HELL AND BACK. ENJOY ALL THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY AND CHERRY-PICKED EU CONTENT BEING REHASHED AND ROLLED UP INTO A SHIT BURRITO.
J,J, CONFIRMED FOR LITERAL SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT.
STAR WARS IS DEAD.
THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE.