/suicide/ - I want to know if any of you had a similar or comparable history of thinking about suicide.
I have the strange tendency to overanalyse my behavioral patterns.
One of my patterns is my inherit and strong wish to die. I have been drawn towards the thought since my teenage days, but I never ever tried to kill myself. This is due to a reason.
I seem to have a narrative pattern in my head. Some kind of "perfect death scenario". I am not depressed. I am in a good living situation. I have a relationship and everything. But I just don't want to live and grow old. I like to live. But if I genuily believe that - if that scenario in my head was becoming reality - I would not bother a second to let it happen.
Over time, as I become older, the narrative has multiplied. Nowadays I have at least 7 acceptable scenarios and methods and some more "I'd probably consider this option if I was not in my normal but in a bad mood." scenarios.
By now all my scenarios are scenes of assisted suicide, but I am working my way up to the possibility that I will put hand on myself if I find it impossible to find someone to make my narrative real. I want to avoid to realize that at some point it is to late because I feel like I am responsible for other human beings or because I am fucking too old to kill myself without getting caught and humiliated.
Does this sound familiar for some of you? If yes, have you reached the point where any (well almost any) death is a perfect death scenario? When did you reach it and / or why?