This is a story of how I almost killed myself.
So these past few years have been extremely chaotic for me. I was depressed, alienating myself, dropped out, and contemplated suicide to the point of preparing the noose around my neck…but before i begin, here's a prorogue.
The purpose of this thread is to appeal to young adults or teens (or used to be) who have entertain/ed the thought of physical or emotional relation with a "nymph". Feel free to tell your story/affliction/ and journey of conciliation or perpetual torment.
I will be 20 soon and I don't really know what my life would entail. I guess like most of you I found refuge and comfort in halfchan (/b/) at a young age. I didn't really have a fulfilling family relationships. I was one of those kids who was "spoiled" but without a real family.
Anyway I was technically "molested" on two separate events, once with a girl and once with a boy. I never really thought of it as traumatic…but it obviously made an impression on me.
I moved alot, three seperate countries specifically. My parents live in separate countries and I didn't live with them until I was 6 (mom) or meet until i was 10(dad). So while on /b/, I found myself empathizing with a lot of "fucked up shit" evens if I don't actively condone or condemn it. I laughed at gore threads, fapped to loli, and all other edgy /b/ullshit.
Towards my junior and senior year. I couldn't bare with keeping a facade with the public and retreat into my furtive "fucked up" life. I was in student gov, sports and other activities, well known and sorta popular, and was a 4.0 kid. I have a great talent, like I said before, to conform and empathize to different groups of people.
Anyway gradually like a corrosive acid, the guilt kept eating away. I was a fake. I fapped to cp, chuckled at death, and was desensitized. However I could easily connect and feel for people, as if I can live in both worlds. Grades drop, begin to be demotivated, can't talk to anyone….life became gray and bleak. I started to embrace an indifferent moral outlook, even though I had my own principles, I empathized with people who did other shit and objectively thought "nothing matters at the end, we are all just following our programing", but my public side daunted on me, slowly eating away. I was failing and couldn't construct a future for myself, I decided to kill myself somehow. And at the cusp of my decision, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. My parents were extremely disillusioned by what was happening with me. I eventually just used the excuse that I was molested for what was happening.
In my head, I was attracted to an age range from 4-80…
I can differentiate between a plutonic relationship and a sexual one. So much like how when you see a great ass in public (adult women) you tell yourself, "nice." For me, that extends to my age range so really I don't know if I'm a pedo. Now I find myself thinking that I will always be numb. I'm not as depressed as I used to be but I'm not happy either, just meh.
I guess I know who I am now. I know I won't be a family man. I avoid relationships from girls because I know I want be truthful and don't want to subject them to a person they don't know. What really hurts is pretending…always pretending in front of friends, people, family…