I lost the ability to be scared of things when I was 13.
See, when I was younger I used to always want to kill myself, and kill other people, because they were lazy…stupid. They'd spew double standards and act proud about it. Even people I was supposed to believe were good, like my parents. One minute they'd be saying something interesting and the next they'd be saying something obviously unfair, mishandling the simplest situations. I didn't care if it was in my favor or against, it all made my blood boil that they'd be so fucking smug about being stupid pieces of shit and abusing what little irrelevant power they had.
But of course I knew I owed them. My dad worked and my mom took care of us kids, they'd be sad if I killed myself and I couldn't kill them. So I told myself I must be insane and that when I was 18 I would move out and get a job so I could pay to see a psychiatrist myself.
It wasn't until 13 that I was able to put my full understanding into words, and my parents and everyone were under the illusion that I'd magically become a LE SOOPER GENIUS overnight. Didn't matter though, people will defend to the death their obvious double standards and use all the scorn and guilt they possessed to silence me if I challenged them. When I dug myself out from under a lifetime of heaped-on guilt, they had no ammo, and they just stuck to sulky sarcasm until I stopped objecting to whatever they were doing, and went back to thinking they were righteous the next day. Everyone I talked to was the same. By this time I had forced myself down from the verge of suicide or homicidal rampages several times, but my instincts were growing more intense and frequent. I woke up one day with a sex drive and realized I couldn't afford it, so I completely suppressed it for about three years through sheer force of will so I could focus on not killing myself or anyone else. I guess most people associate suicidal tendencies with depression and apathy. Not me. I've always acted outwardly mild and never needed any companionship, but I've been on fire for as long as I can remember, suppressing my emotions, trying to improve, reading, thinking, trying to figure everything out, you know, the patterns behind things. I fought back numbness like I'd fight back stupidity or hypocrisy. I felt everything; I never got desensitized. Didn't allow myself to. I merely endured and built up my psychological stamina. Somewhere along the way I realized the pointlessness of
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