I've lost a lot over many years. I was never accepted by my own family because I saw things that they didn't. This has had an everlasting detrimental effect on who I am and how I've ended up.
I've been pushed out of/fired unfairly from jobs because I've seen through the bullshit and cronyism.
I've been sexually harassed, abused and exploited by many of these people.
I've had my closest friends as well as my partner take their own lives.
I have no children, therefore, no grandchildren. I have no nieces or nephews. I have no one, really.
I detest most of the ridiculous and stupid people around me, mostly because they're so blinded and unthinking. I struggle to make conversation with them when they do nothing but ramble on about nonsensical, unimportant rubbish.
Some days I wake up and tell myself that I'm going to love this day, no matter how much pain I'm in physically and mentally, and some days I manage to achieve that goal.
Other days, I just don't care. Some days I will death to take me for the sake of it.
I was quite happy for a couple of years, no TV, no newspapers, no radio, and very little contact with the outside world. I just shut myself off from everything.
I'd jump on the chans and other CT boards and forums now and then for no other reason than to get a kick out of their stupidity and for me to feel alive a little.
Then I'd go back to writing fiction. I'd type away for days and nights. I'd read back what I'd written, then delete it.
My own personal insanity.
I still have hope.
See what intoxication brings out.