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/ck/ - Food & Cooking

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File: 9334a6046ca02cb⋯.jpg (59.93 KB, 700x700, 1:1, wojack crying angry red ey….jpg)

File: a7a2cef523f2e77⋯.jpg (34.51 KB, 535x577, 535:577, wojack crying hands coveri….jpg)


>homemade Greek yogurt

>drop crock pot

>it shatters


Could’ve been worse. Could have been full, instead of only <2 cups left, so the mess wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. And I only got a small cut on my foot from a flying shard. And I got the pot for like $6 from Goodwill. And I still have my second one; making two gallons at a time is too much for one guy anyway, especially regarding fridge space.



>Your latest culinary cock-up?


You mean erection? Last time I got an erection because of food was when my grandmother was raping me in the ass with a corncob.



>last i fucked up

I made some caramel for fun and added WAY too much milk and ended up with a gritty mess that doesn't even work as an ice cream topping.


>last i got hard

I made my first souffles while watching a shuffled playlist of really crazy porn. As the desert rose, so did my man meat, and both were coated with some form of my special sauce by the end of it all.


I tried to make a fake grilled cheese because I'm a weirdo who doesn't want to eat bread: http://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/recipes/a51638/cauliflower-grilled-cheese-recipe/

I used too small a pan, turned the heat up too high, used too much bacon grease to lube up the pan, and it didn't come up when I tried to flip the patties over. Instead, I had to scrape it off the pan, both to cook it and to wash it.

Tasted pretty good, though. You can't go too far wrong with loads of cheese, eggs, and bacon fat.


File: 994de60eb7ee7f1⋯.jpg (111.23 KB, 880x495, 16:9, 1435653601258_zps6ab4wzr4.jpg)

My first attempt at making a cheesecake ended up with the Fire Department showing up at my door. I made it using a spring-form pan and I didn't know these things were notorious for leaking. Well into the baking I looked at the cake and there was a black puddle of cheesecake juice at the bottom and I thought it'd be no issue because there were only 5 or so minutes left of baking. Suddenly a minute or two later it smokes like nothing I've ever seen before and the fire alarm goes off and I don't have a home-phone so I couldn't cancel the fire department trip to my house (they call if the alarm goes off for whatever reason be it a break-in, fire, etc).

The end result didn't taste bad, but it was really dry what with all the moisture leaking out.



>I looked at the cake and there was a black puddle of cheesecake juice at the bottom of the oven

I meant to say


File: 5423cd2bdde3bde⋯.jpg (257.52 KB, 1024x770, 512:385, OSlZacc.jpg)

I forgot to put the egg into my meatloaf before mixing it up.



There are probably specialty websites devoted entirely to exchanging photographs of springform leaks.

Probably could have secured a few patrons with photos of that chessecake juice all over the bottom. Firefighters might even make a nice touch.

Squat cobbler is just the beginning.

I was getting into it until you said "of the oven"


File: 2de1502ec7b812a⋯.jpg (6.67 KB, 224x225, 224:225, thefuckisditvooraas.jpg)


>I don't have a home-phone


File: 9eb02a482fc701c⋯.png (678.03 KB, 762x571, 762:571, a36d2249436aae9248aa7ca865….png)


give me three good reasons to have a home phone



It's common in Eurabia and getting common in Lardica.


1. It's more professional on a CV

2. It's becoming a status symbol

3. You can't lose it



>1. It's more professional on a CV

I don't know what that is.

>2. It's becoming a status symbol

Where? The Congo?

>3. You can't lose it

I can't lose what I don't have.



>I don't know what that is.

A resumé.



>last time I fucked up.

I was cooking a batch of hardtack for 60min at 400F… it's the worst I've burnt something since my first time cooking bacon.



The words which follow "hardtack" would seem to be superfluous.


My brother burnt water once. He was going to cook pasta so he had oil and water boiling in a pot and got distracted by video games for hours until it boiled dry and what oil was left passed its smoke point.

I haven't fucked anything badly enough to surpass that feat. Closest would be trying to make green pancakes with food colouring. Something went wrong with the batter and the colouring making the finished product really rubbery and elastic. It wasn't supposed to be good so it didn't matter that it was a fuckup.


>making meringue

>place oven tray too high

>meringues get burnt from being too close to the heating element

At least I have another tray that turned out fine



for the record, putting oil in the pasta water is only really good for wasting oil and fucking up your drains. if you're going to use your pasta right away then just do it, if it's for a pasta salad or a casserole(like mac n cheese) or something like that it's totally fine (and in restaurants, generally better) to rinse your pasta in cold water, drain it really well, and toss in a light coating of neutral cooking oil. it'll make it easy to pull a few portions at a time for service.


File: 240da4a36af6844⋯.jpeg (167.87 KB, 800x677, 800:677, artful harold.jpeg)

>making cheburek from that boris video

>throw the filling together, recipe doesn't mention doing anything with the onions so i leave them raw, but looking back i really should have sauteed them

>dough isn't getting solid enough, i spend a solid hour fucking with it and getting it on my hands and wasting it getting it off my hands before i'm reminded to just add more flour

>after a total of about 90 minutes of being autistic as fuck, finish the dough and get to rolling, which goes well enough

>put meat into dough, close it, fork the edge closed, all is well

>waste an entire fucking bottle of sunflower seed oil when i probably could have used half because the pan was too big and i don't know how cooking works (it could have been less than halfway up the pastries and still cooked fine because bubbles and flipping, instead the chebureki were almost submerged)

>turn the temperature too high, oil is already boiling when i put in the chebureki, they flash-fry

>take them out and the dough is only slightly overcooked, but i cut a thick one open and the ground meat is pink

>have to microwave it like a bitch

>after multiple minutes, the meat is finally brown

>finally bite into it

>i forgot to put salt and pepper in at the start

it wasn't my best day


>think of something delicious I'd like to make

>go to the store

>can't be arsed to do any cooking

>produce goes rancid while I stick to macaronies and meatballs

Happens every time


File: c70fec95b23d3bd⋯.jpg (630.88 KB, 1856x2425, 1856:2425, 2017-08-18 12.04.20.jpg)

I just learned that, if you've been fermenting something for a few weeks, not to open it up next to an open gallon of milk, for the whole thing will instantly curdle.

That was a waste of $6.42…


File: 11ac09899054bba⋯.jpg (35.31 KB, 434x378, 31:27, 27e525c2.jpg)

>make potato soup

>use my stick blender to make it nice and creamy

>add heavy cream to make it super creamy

>start to eat and notice disgusting hard pieces

>forgot to take out the bay leaves before blending

Happened twice


When you put something back into the oven to finish cooking and forget that you turned the oven off the first time around.

My last cock-up would have to be me forgetting I had another bottle of vinegar sitting in the cabinets. I made pickled eggs with the leftover 30+ eggs I had gotten for like $3. I made one batch with white vinegar, another with balsamic vinegar, and then the third batch with the rest of the balsamic vinegar instead of grabbing the damn rice vinegar I've had sitting around collecting dust for the past year. Then forgot to bring all my damn food items with me to college and my mom is just going to let it all go to waste because she can't fucking bother to cook, let alone clean up.



Can you not just eat the bay leaves? Last fuck up I had with a blender was trying to make a butter bean hummus, but I used water instead of milk, and too much of it, and turned it all into a liquid bean water.



Nah, they are very hard and gnarly. It's like blending a piece of wood. Had to strain the soup through a fine mesh strainer.



when I get really drunk sometimes I make hardtack. im not sure why. maybe its because drinking straight whiskey makes me feel like a frontier man. So I passed out drunk in the living room and woke up to a burning smell. luckily, I bake it twice, the 2nd time at a lower temp so there wasnt much smoke. ive also burnt mac and cheese while passed out drunk. girl friend came home from work and walked right by the burning food, me passed out on the couch and went to bed. that was depressing.

Ive also been hammered and picked up a stainless steel skillet with my bare hand out of the oven. didnt even drop it.


As it turns out, turnip coleslaw is gross. Ah well, nothing overloading with apple cider vinegar and stevia can't help. Making a mighty fine appetite suppressant, however: only a few bites in and I don't want to eat anymore!


File: 93e32fc1e0c3319⋯.jpg (51.37 KB, 480x458, 240:229, teleport behind child.jpg)

>work in hospital

>come home after long day

>immediately start drinking

>slap a cheap pizza in the oven

>continue drinking and browsing the internet

>oh shit the pizza

>just before it switches from cooked to burnt

>knife slips when I'm cutting it

>1/3 of the pizza slips off the plate and slaps against my leg and shoe

>still haven't got out of my work clothes

>eat it anyway

I'm dreading what horribly diseases I've been walking through all day and wondering how long I have been working there without cleaning my shoes or even getting them rained on enough to call sorta clean.

At least they didn't have blood on them. Hopefully. Oh well, stomach acid is pretty good at sterilizing things not specifically designed to resist it.



if nothing else, a learning experience


I can never get macaron shells right. They always have that big air bubble in them. I think it's my folding technique.



Ouch, were you entertaining guests? I feel secondhand pain for you brother



take some advice from boris, vodka mixed with black pepper will kill anything trying to use your body as it's house


>buy some pre packaged prime sirloin steak from USA

>take it out of the package nice thick solid chunk of meat

>decide to sous vide it

>take it out of the vacuum bag after 2 hours at 54°

>thing splits into two thin slices

>read on the internet that there's some protein meat glue that's legal and they can do shit like that

Fuck the food industry.


>have two crock pots, thus far only used to make Greek yogurt (/fit/izen, needed cheap top-quality protein)

>suddenly low-carb nutrition plan to help with hunger while going from skinnyfat to lean-n-mean, therefore so no more yogurt, oats, lentils, homemade bread, and other daily staples

>but remember they can still be used for easy-mode bulk veggies

>overnight (on low) big bunch of cabbage (was on sale for $0.29/lb so sitting on severa pounds with which I was planning to make a giant batch of coleslaw, a huge pain in the ass to make) and onions (flavor I was expecting the wet cabbage to "soak up" like it does corn beef)

>instead, get barely-flavorful mush with an after-hint of gross

>rage-of-the-spartans.png, as if my morning wasn't shitty enough

>breathe in

>breathe out

>unwilling to toss ~3 lb cabbage and ~10 onions (white and vidalia)

>bust out trustee Aimores blender, fill half-gallon Tupp with resultant apple-sauce-like mix



>not bad like this: slight cabbage sans disgust but (oddly enough) no detectable onion

>wouldn't make a bad base for thick stew


>know what I'm having for lunch and dinner for the next two or three days

>try crock potting more cabbage and onions, mostly for the sake of fridge space

>add a bunch of spices, 3 or 4 garlic cloves, and 10-15 jalapenos, now that I know most the flavor's gonna be gone by the time it's all done

>we'll see what happens in 5-10 hours



Also found the excess water kept most the onion flavor. Mild, though. Might make an interesting base for tea or coffee. Gonna try it. Can't be worse than that cabbage/mushroom stock tea. Now THAT was one of my worst cock-ups, and yes I choked it down.



No, I made it just for me. Still was very sad, as I was looking forward to eating it. Ate it anyways ofc but it wasn't as good.


File: 27495e94232434b⋯.png (587.6 KB, 797x597, 797:597, reverie-chan a heartwarmin….png)

So, adding spices to coffee is interesting, but I just learned red pepper flakes and smoked paprika are the WRONG kinds of spice. Will have to experiment elsewise in the future.



Oh yeah been meaning to get back to this: vicious level of failure. I am done with cabbage*, I don't care if it's $0.29/lb when it's on sale.

* Except red cabbage, which when minced in a food processor (with carrots and/or orange/yellow peppers or whatever) makes a great base for white pepper, apple cider vinegar, and Greek yogurt (or whatever gooey white stuff you wanna use, no homo) coleslaw.


When stir frying, sauce should be tripped or quadrupled if you double the stuff.


I left some potatoes in the fridge after making some boiled potatoes for a sauteed pork chop and asparagus dish and forgot about them for a few weeks.

Later I get some leeks on a whim and decide to make potato leek soup. I look in the fridge, find these old potatoes and decide to use them. I cut one open and am greeted by a spongy black mass of rotted potato. At least I didn't put them in the soup.



Try clove, anise, or cinnamon.

Cardamom if you're in a frisky mood.


Trying to make vegetable hottek but I must've miscounted the third cups I was using and didn't have enough flour. It looked fine at first but the dough was too liquid to make them so I ended up just having to mix it with the filling and experimenting.

Actually worked ok, mix by itself fried and tasted ok. Or maybe I was hungry as fuck, either or.


Well I tried cooking with cum last month, so it was that.


>somehow get the idea that whipped cream and coffee would go well

>put whipped cream on hot coffee

>whipped cream melts




Still sounds tasty.


File: 22786fc7aeff0dd⋯.jpg (686.73 KB, 1944x3456, 9:16, 2018-06-02 19.20.16.jpg)

File: 6f046ab5ff4e629⋯.jpg (715.49 KB, 1944x3456, 9:16, 2018-06-02 19.20.45.jpg)

Funny story: I took the first photo and took off to the computer with the intention of posting "o hai online frineds!! iz dis something I shouldn't do???" Before sitting down, a few seconds later from kitchen: *shattering glass followed by spillage* Got my answer before even asking; thanks, laser-guided karma.



What is that mug type called? My roommate broke mine and I wanted to buy another.



pretty sure it's either a beer mug or a flagon.



that appears to be a hoffbrau brand beer mug my dude



Well, maybe it used to be



I really really hate when food spoils so I try and reuse what I can and buy less. Well I had some leftover taco beef and desiring to add meat to pasta night I add the taco beef to some spaghetti sauce. The taco spiced beef did not mix well with the spaghetti sauce of course. It smelled awful tasted awful, but I still ate a bowls worth.


File: 2fddf5d04442893⋯.jpg (28.1 KB, 229x343, 229:343, Chrysippus rage.jpg)

>prepare some puff pastry

>put in the fridge so I can use it tomorrow

>wake up and walk into the kitchen

>it's out on the table

>open the fridge

>it's full of beer

>after I fell asleep my roommate came home and took out my pastry so he could chill his beer

>ask him about it

<oh bro I'm sure it's fine


<well sorry bro shit happens

I hate my roommate.



Did you try to salvage it as mille-feuille?



Throw beer bottle at his head and eject him.


>Making chocolate chip cookies

>baking in batches

>decide to save time by not cleaning a pot

>brown butter second time through in the same pot

>the milk solids get burned immediately

>attempt to save butter by melting it and straining out the burnt solids

I have yet to bake it yet. It'll turn out fine.


File: 8f7173650464104⋯.jpg (29.72 KB, 339x395, 339:395, i carry the pan.jpg)

>deep fry anything

>comes out looking burnt as shit

>it's undercooked



Your oil is too hot. It takes time for heat to get from the outside surface of a food to the inside. If you overdo the temp, the outside always burns before the inside ever gets any of the heat.



>all that time to make puff pastry by hand just to have your roommate fuck it up.

Seriously what a fucking jackass, reading that made me angry.



heres a better reason, when you cant breathe because youre choking on a chicken bone you let cook into your food for texture you can call 911 and theyll actually know where to find you


File: e40dc62deeebfd4⋯.jpg (20.63 KB, 135x123, 45:41, keyness.jpg)

>snowed in, want to cook but only have chicken

>decide to stir fry it

>marinade the chicken in soy sauce

>apply a coating of flour to the chicken

>put oil on pan and begin stir fry

>find out I actually don't have any other sauces

>oh well it's still protein

>turns out I put way too much flour and not enough oil in the pan

>flour mixture turns into a sticky goop which glues itself to bottom of pan

>blocks chicken from being cooked

>dump oil onto chicken

>some of the smaller chicken bits sinks into the goop mixture and get burnt to a crisp

>retrieve the larger chunks and eat

>it's bland as fuck and half of it is overcooked

>cleaning the pan was like cleaning 9/11



At least you managed to salvage it enough to eat it.


I once put in 3/4 a cup of baking soda into my cookie mixture when I first started baking. Recipe called for 3/4 Tbsp. Was told to make it into bread pudding afterwards.


>dropped the frying pan


File: da803a6e9681695⋯.png (847.59 KB, 531x629, 531:629, leftovers.png)

File: f44bead5264914c⋯.jpg (190.63 KB, 500x500, 1:1, f44bead5264914cc3f3027c404….jpg)


>Was using leftovers from yesterday's superbowl game

>Decided to make meatball sub

<except for raspberry chipotle sauce instead of marinara

<and pepper jack instead of provolone/swiss

>Oven grate was up higher than usual

>Didn't think about it and set oven to broil for like 3 minutes to melt the cheese quick

>Burnt my bread

Feels bad. I also didn't clean the counter yesterday so it's pretty filthy.


File: 581a637e56dc23a⋯.png (410.71 KB, 680x704, 85:88, 2d1aaa739fecf5e3cd12dde506….png)

>about to make the best fucking chicken sandwich ever

>about to put the fried egg

>pop the yolk by being retarded

>all the egg yolk is on the plate now



File: 5052a2c6aec11d3⋯.png (3.49 MB, 1920x1200, 8:5, #SadBoys2.png)


>Make the best buttermilk chicken sandwich ever

>about to put the food in my mouth

>drops in trash can

>Spicy chicken causes paper in bin to catch fire

>Now homeless and posting from public library's computer




That's irritating as fuck. I once had a time where every egg yolk in the carton was unusable for fried eggs. I don't know what happened, but every time I tried to fry an egg, the yolk cracked. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes the fucker just cracked on its own in the pan. I started making scrambled eggs for a bit just because I was getting paranoid about my fried eggs not coming out right.


>making an omelet

>chop up meat and cheese for filling, beat eggs, and get butter out while waiting for pan to heat up

>add eggs to pan

>realize I forgot to add butter to the pan

>it sticks

>have to scrape it off the pan

>eat my scrambled omelet


File: 3a7a776a75670d4⋯.jpeg (17.47 KB, 450x450, 1:1, 86990a84-d550-4574-87ee-b….jpeg)


I accidentally knocked over the glass pitcher of my coffeemaker, it hit the floor and shattered. There is still another coffeemaker shared by the people in my apartment, so I can still get myself some coffee.




That could tide you over until you get a new one from a thrift shop if you have those in the frigid north?


I burnt soup. The day after I cooked it:

>just moved to new apartment

>previous place had a gas stove, this one electric

>after finishing soup, instead of putting the almost empty pan in the sink, put it on the other burner out of the way

>next day I go to boil water

>walk off

>start to smell something burning

<that does not smell like water, what the fuck

>back to the kitchen, and my water was not even boiling

>look over, and what's left of the soup is burnt

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