/just/ - FUCK MY SHIT UP

*BEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, it's your buddy Mitch from Fidelity. Listen, I wanted to discuss some trades made in your brokerage account. I know we talked earlier about high-risk, high-reward investments to make money this month… and I know you're authorized for options and trading on margin, but that's a looot calls to buy for RGS to hit $18 in April.

>Don't get me wrong. RGS is stable, and that's good, but even selling those August puts at $15 to offset means you could be out some serious money here if it doesn't break above $18 within the next couple weeks. Anyway, give me a call back and we can talk about it.

>Oh and before I go, I saw an ad for your new Texas Rising thing on History. Can't wait till it comes out! I'm sure it's a huge part. Hopefully you can throw some of the money from it into the market. Ha ha!

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, it's Afton. I need my $50,000 for the month by the 15th. You can just send the check to Chad's house. I will be there.

>Oh, and also, I wanted to remind you that you need to pick up my dry cleaning at noon today and drop it off at Chad's. And do you think you can pick up his kids from school today? They need to be picked up at 3:00

>Thanks and see you then

>>3445

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, it's Tom, your agent

>I know we haven't spoke in a bit but I haven't forgot about you. I was unfortunately unable to get you a part in any of the movies you were interested. All 43 of them would either not take my call or did not call me back about you.

>There is a part I did you though. Well, sort of. It is not a movie though. It is for a commercial for Mcdonald's. You will have to dress up like the Hamburgler (I was unable to get you the part as Ronald Mcdonald) and dance around when it comes time.

>Please call me back after you drop the check off to Chad's house and pick up Afton's dry cleaning to confirm that you will be doing the part

>thanks, bye

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, it's Mitch from Fidelity. As your advisor I wanted to give you a heads up about a certain… situation.

>So you remember how the financial crisis was caused by a bunch of mortgage payments getting bundled together, then sold and multiplied and traded? And how things went belly up when people stopped paying off their houses? Well, funny thing, looks like in our current environment of low rates, people are doing that again with pretty much any stream of money and…that includes your alimony payment.

>I know, hilarious, right?

>Now it's nothing to be worried about. No bailouts are gonna happen if your ACDS's start defaulting, just thought I'd keep you in the loop.

>One more reason to keep making those payments, tiger! Ha ha.

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Yes, hello, Mr. Fraser?

>this is Officer Wilson from down at the police station. I am calling about someone matching your description sobbing loudly and throwing rocks at old couples in a public park.

>if you could come down to the station we can sort this whole thing out

>thanks and have a nice day, sir.

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Hello, Brendan. It is Dr. Reston, your therapist.

>I am calling because you have missed your last 3 sessions with no call to confirm that you were missing them. I

>I am especially concerned because after the second one I stopped by your apartment on the way home from work and knocked on the door. I know you were home because I could hear you crying and watching The Notebook.

>Oh, and I wanted to tell you to be careful because I had my car stolen while leaving your neighborhood so watch out for any shady characters walking around. Apparently it is so frequent in that area that the police were unable to narrow it down and catch him.

>Please call me to check in because I am concerned about you and you have another appointment this Wednesday after you take Afton shopping and to get her hair and nails done

>Hope you are doing okay. Bye now.

>>3570

I am all the ones linked below. We need more anons to post some. I am running out of ideas. JUST post some anon

>>3560

>>3563

>>3577

>>3580

>>3585

>>3586

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, Mitch from Fidelity again. So those April calls didn't exactly pay out, but, hey, as long as RGS doesn't dump below 15 in August, you're still in the game!

>Anyway I wanted to keep you in the loop with another tidbit I heard recently. Turns out your ex-wife did some complex hedging in the ACDS market. Quite brilliant really. Bottom line is she leveraged it so every time you pay, she gets waaaay more.

>We're talking mid six figures because you made your payment last month.

>But get this, if you miss any of your future payments, she's looking to make a boatload on your default. At least ten times that. Easy.

>Kinda damned if you do, damned if you don't. Ha ha.

>Oh and I almost forgot. Since your child support is also a regular stream of money, that's getting roped in with the whole alimony CDS market. Again, nothing to worry about, but, man, that market is booming.

*BEEEEEP*

>Ayyyy if it isn't my boy Bren Bren, how ya doin. Aye, listen, it's your lawyer, Saul Goodman. I got your fax and your case is very enticing. Listen, Brendan, I'm here to un-fuck your shit! Though I don't think we can make your wife pay alimony to you, we can make her a check here, a wire transfer there, minor stuff. We tell the court that she hasn't been too good to ya, some abuse, maybe she didn't let you see the kids. I've talked to her boyfriend, nice guy. Whadya say we uh… set em up. A ruffle and tuffle there and you get a compensation check in no time! Call me back Actor Boy! Better call Saul!

>>3602

*BEEEEP*

>Eyyyy Brendy Boy it's your best friend, Saul Goodman, again. I hate to break it to ya, kid, but you can't sue Gino DiGianantonio. The guy doesn't even know who you are. I really wanna help ya, Brendan, I really wanna unfuck your shit. But wanting ain't enough, kid, you gotta gimme something to work with. Something like a check for $4750, though I'd prefer money transfer. Aight, talk to ya later Actor Boy

*click*

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, Mitch from Fidelity. Saw you in Texas Rising the other night. Man, you killed it! Can't wait for your part to pick up and you to get some real screen time. I'm sure the ratings will go through the roof!

>Anyway I don't know how closely you follow the market for movie and TV studio stocks, but you are causing some serious turmoil, my man!

>Turns out so many people are tied up in the market for your alimony, they're now trying to control how much work you get. Hostile takeovers, activist investors firing and rehiring dozens of casting directors, the whole nine yards.

>Now bad news is it looks like the side that profits off you defaulting on those payments is getting the upper hand, so I'd plan for roles to get a little scarce in the future.

>Oh and you should probably know your ACDS's are going international. Lots of shady Chinese buyers, lots of dirty money betting on you making those payments.

>I probably don't need to tell you the Triads aren't big fans of losing money, but hey, as long as you keep coming up with that fifty grand a month, you should be fine.

>Might even get to keep all your fingers!

>Anyway, let's hope RGS keeps holding above 15 till August. The stock should be good unless, I dunno, Supercuts starts giving out crappy haircuts. Ha ha!

>>3625

>>3623

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Brendan, Brendan, please pick up. I don't know what you've done but a bunch of goons just stormed my office asking for you! I don't have time to wait for another letter from you so please call me back, ok? Just tell me, did you actually do it? Did you go through with it? You know, the Gino thing? The Gino thing I told you NOT to do? I gotta replace my goddamn door because of you, I will charge you for this! Call me!

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Good afternoon, Mr Fraser this is Dr. Parker from the veterinarian's office.

>I have some unfortunate news about your dog. I know it was supposed to be a routine operation but there was a freak accident and he will have to be put to sleep.

>You need to get down to my office right now to say goodbye to him. I know you said this dog is all you have left so I think it will be important for you to say bye to him.

>>3661

:(

>>3445

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEEP*

>Hello, Mr. Fraser. This is Gary, from MasterCard. I am calling on behalf of some unusual purchases being made on your credit card last week

>I noticed that there were charges to the supermarket for over 200 dollars worth of ice cream, 500 dollars worth of red wine and 4 body sized pillows.

>I am calling because I think that a pregnant woman may have gotten a hold of your card as these are unusual purchases for a male to make. Please call me back when you get this so we can straighten this out.

>Have a nice day

>>3674

Maybe tomorrow or in a little bit. I am busy doing some shops of syriachan on /b/

>>3587

Just found this board and thread, and, as fucked up as it is to have to admit, it's always nice, no matter how fucked up your life has been, to hear about someone more fucked up than you.

I was depressed earlier this morning, but now I am LAFFIN. This shit is hilarious, and I could totally see these happening to this poor bastard.

If you're on here, sorry Brendan, but thanks for the keks.

>>3750

Glad you enjoyed them anon. I had fun posting them and reading the others that were posted. 10/10 thread. I still want to do a spin off with Brendan leaving messages I have JUST been lazy

>>3755

No. It is the same in America. I used to do and sell drugs for like 7 years so I have had to deal with the voicemail far more than I would have liked to and have ha it memorized for years. I could probably impersonate it pretty well I have heard it so much

>this thread

JUST FUCK MY SIDES UP

>Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system: *sobbing "B-Brendan" * is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished with your message please hang up, or press 1 for more options.

*BEEEP*

>Hey Brendan, Mitch. I'm a little confused by the rambling voicemail you left me. Officially your negative net worth means our client-adviser relationship is terminated.

>In fact, I'm pretty sure Fidelity has some debt collectors coming after you following your little RGS stunts.

>And even if we didn't, I'm now advising your ex-wife Afton. Turns out she's one of our Platinum Elite Ultra-High Net Worth clients and requested me specifically. So there's an obvious conflict of interest.

>Therefore I say this only as your frie- acquaintance who doesn't want to see you dig yourself even deeper into a hole.

>I don't know what brokerage even let you open an account, much less one with "your last few dollars on earth". But do NOT invest in Just Capital.

>It's a scam for millionaires and would only fuck your shit up even more.

>Now, that said, don't call this number again. Or I will have to contact the authorities.

(http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/21/business/a-plan-to-rank-just-companies-aims-to-close-the-wealth-gap.html)